a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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