im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
