We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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