I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When are your genitals available?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize