He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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