got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
