if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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