White coat. Heels.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
