one might say we're banned from that church
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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