well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
