the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sorry about my life...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
