He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
