I will die if light touches me.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
