I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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