I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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