if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
