i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
