Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
