does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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