apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
