I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
