I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
