We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
