Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
