Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
