WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You dont lie about slip and slides
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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