The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
