Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
