you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
