Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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