I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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