If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
