11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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