Rock
Scissors
Fuck
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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