My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't put those talents on a resume
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
