Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize