I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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