ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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