He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
