my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
