When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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