Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
