his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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