Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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