Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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