I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
