I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize