Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
