Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
