I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He felt like a one man threesome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Oh god it's open bar.
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