Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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