So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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