took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
