This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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