News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
