you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
