I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
false alarm. still invincible.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
