There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
