i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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